Be the Bamboo

Sometimes life doesn't happen like you planned it.  In fact -- that is probably true most days.  Isn't that old adage: the only constant is change?

Well -- I for one am seeing it in my life.  And from here, it looks like it's true for everyone else I know.  And it certainly beats the alternative (death -- which seems pretty permanent to me).

So....Let's work on working with life.  Be the bamboo today and don't get blow over in the storm.

Do something Friday

So yesterday we talked about getting untangled from other's opinions and judgments.  Sweet!  You've got that mastered now, right?  Well....maybe not but......

What about your judgments of yourself?  If I had a dime for every time I heard someone describe themselves as "bad" because of something they ate .... I would be rich, rich, RICH!!  How about you?  How many times in the last two days have you said (to yourself or someone else) that you were "bad" because of something you ate?  And on the flip side:  How many times in the last two days have you given yourself a mental high five for an eating behavior?

You are the best person to give yourself positive feedback -- mostly because you know if it was genuine (or not).  Research indicates there should be 7 positive interactions for every one negative interaction if one wants to have a flourishing relationship with another person or group of people.  (if there are never any negative interactions -- we assume that person is just blowing smoke.  And if there are more negative interactions, the quality of the relationship degrades)

I'm not sure there has every been a study that looks at ratios of interactions one has with one's self.  But I bet a similar ratio holds true.  We all need to give ourselves well-deserved credit when we behave in a positive manner and constructive criticism when we don't.

How many of us can say we are consistently good at that?  Hmmmmm....food for thought.

Spend some time this weekend assessing your internal dialogue.  Start a tally list -- what's your ratio?  Or maybe, a more easy version is it write down the date and time of every negative self-directed thought.  If it takes you all weekend to gather some -- hooray!  you're probably hitting a pretty solid positive/negative ratio.

But if you end up needed to write down the hour:minute:second of each negative thought to keep them straight, perhaps you have some work to do in reframing your dialogue with yourself.

First things first -- spend some time investigating what you're currently doing.  Don't assume you know!  You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself!

Tangled

photo credit: Bill Bradford

Today, I read a really insightful post by Chris Brogan.  It was entitled Untangled and it has a sister post (Take back your Strings) which got me thinking about the power we give other people.

It is other people's right to judge us.  We can't control it -- it's in our very nature to make judgment about others.  This is hardwired into us and allowed us, if we were good at it, to survive in the dangerous past.  Even in the modern area, books like The Gift of Fear and Blink point out the inherent value in the judgement skills we possess. 

Where the problem comes in isn't that people judge us  -- It's that we may give their judgment more weight than it deserves.

Think about that video from last week of the model getting ready for a shoot.  The final picture isn't of her -- the print that is actually published in the magazine isn't of a real person.  The real person was just the starting point for artist to improve upon.  So....how much importance should I put on someone saying I am not the right size because I do not look like the picture in the magazine?

When you consider that "person" isn't even real, maybe the fact that I'm not her shape or size isn't really that important.  Maybe I shouldn't get all tangled up in that judgement.  And if I do let myself get tangled up in it, it is a choice I have made to give it more power than it deserves.

Chris' suggestion from the post today was to look at our own tangles.  Where do we feel criticized?  How do we deal with these feelings?  And what do they motivate us to do in the future?

Many times people think they "should" lose weight and feel terrible about themselves because they can't summon the gumption to take the steps necessary to change the situation.  Upon closer reflection, some people find that they are okay with their weight and haven't summoned up the energy to change it because it is actually somebody else's tangled thought pattern that is trying to get them to make this change.

And other times, once people have the realization that the driver for their change is a tangled up thought, they can let that tangle go and find a genuine reason to change their behaviors that is more rewarding to fulfill.

If any of this sounds even remotely reasonable, I suggest you click on over to Chris' posts.  I didn't do them the justice they deserve -- and the subject matter is one we all deal with from time to time (or quite probably way more often than we would care to admit!)

It's Embarassing to be Yourself

This is another email I received from fear.less.  I decided to cut and paste the whole thing because I thought it was a great read!  Hope you enjoy (and more importantly, find it thought provoking!!)

.........Fear.less contributor and fellow writer Po Bronson blew my mind when he 

spoke of the "fantasy bubble" in which we encase our dreams. We hide our 

most sacred ideas and most comforting desires because it's easier to shelter 

them on our shoulders as angels. To make them a reality, whether that means 

opening a blank document or starting a conversation, is to make them vulnerable. 

In our minds and when we are alone, our thoughts and fantasies are perfect, 

whole and insulated. As soon as you take the first step to making them real, 

they are just a fraction of themselves. It's disorienting, it's not quite like you 

imagined, you're confused, you don't want to get caught, you shouldn't have 

done it in the first place.

This is true of just about everyone, even if you're type of person who says 

"I don't have guilty pleasures because there's nothing to feel guilty about" or 

"I am comfortable with who I am". I started this by saying it's embarrassing to 

be yourself, but it's not, really. What's truly embarrassing, and vulnerable, and 

exposing, is to show yourself. To show your enthusiasm and your sensitivity. If 

at your work, at your home or on your website, it serves you to be a 90% or 

80% version of yourself, it's easy to keep doing that.

It's awkward to be the one who shows compassion to someone crying in the 

hallway, even though it's probably worse to, you know, be the one crying.

It's humiliating to divulge that what inspires or validates you is unusual for your 

age, gender or some other social norm, even if it really helps.

It's embarrassing to confess that your fears and insecurities just keep coming 

back, even though it seems that way for most other people, too.

It's shameful to admit that you haven't taken any impressive steps toward what 

you really want, even though no one can support you if they don't know, and even 

though it might not even be true.

This doesn't always happen, and that's actually what's so bad about it. When we 

win a few easy victories, we can trick ourselves into thinking "Woohoo, authentic 

living! All eight cylinders ablaze!" Not to take anything away from small victories, 

which should be celebrated. But getting comfortable with less than we can achieve 

is less than we deserve. There is great satisfaction, fulfillment and power awaiting 

us on the other side of honest self-expression and deliberate vulnerability and that 

can be hard to keep in mind. What is your current level of sincerity doing for you? 

What would happen if you dialed it up?

Also, "authenticity" is a dodgy word that messes people up. I'm not trying to accuse 

anyone of being "phony" when I don't even know you personally. But I do want to see 

what happens when people, including myself, don't dial themselves back as much 

and surround themselves in support. Like Po Bronson says, "You need to be around 

people who think it's okay."

I'm glad we could talk about this. Well, I'm off to play some video games marketed 

toward children. It's where I get my best ideas.

Matt

 

Scarcity

Does the word make you worried?  Honestly, when was the last time you experienced scarcity (as it relates to food)???  Sure, there are hungry people out there (or right around the corner for that matter).  They experience scarcity daily -- but I bet that isn't really you (since you're reading this blog).

The drive that causes you to pack in 6 cookies (or two steaks) before you eating companions, otherwise know as the competition, can get to them, is left over from a time in our collective history where that skill was important to our survival.

That very same instinct is killing us now.  We are blessed with too much food.  Scarcity isn't an issue.  You can always get more.  Maybe it's not more of the exact thing you want -- but you aren't going to perish of starvation!

Slow down!  Eat only what you have time to taste.  Don't let your blessing of abundance harm you.

Disordered Eating all Around

I met a dietician the other day -- we were talking about this very interesting new book I'm reading (more on that later!).  She made the comment she is very interested in disordered eating (different from an Eating Disorder) because most of her clients are restrictive/binge eaters. 

Without getting into a whole diagnosis for this behavior, let's just envision this as restricting, restricting, restricting -- calories, food groups, sweets (or favorites foods), etc. and then going off the deep end and eating everything you have been restricting from yourself (and in quantities that far surpass what you normally would eat).

The thought that struck me was -- "almost all her clients exhibit this behavior".  Why?  There are enough pitfalls in trying to regulate one's weight without most of us falling into a single, apparently enormous, hole!

So I've spent the decent part of a couple days mulling this over and what I came up with is:

Dieting predominately focuses on what we shouldn't do.  Don't eat too much.  Don't eat that.  Don't eat this.....

We can manage that for a while.  And because some of us have a ton more willpower than we give ourselves credit for, some of us can hold out for a long time (days of semi-starvation, or weeks without foods with flavor).  The problem with focusing your energy on "not doing/eating/having" is that the focus is accompanied by the mental picture of the object we are staying away from.

And we can only with the that desert mirage (or dessert mirage) in front of us for so long before we go crazy and binge on it. 

Think back to the last time the gloves came off and you ate what you'd been denying yourself -- did you eat more than was reasonable?  More than you wished you had?  Did you feel powerless against that food? That's binging.

And the cause?  Lack of willpower?  I think not!

I think the cause is us constantly restricting our eating.  Constantly telling ourselves "no".

What if we said "just a bite" -- and actually followed through but ate that bite in 4 smaller bites so we actually got some time to taste it?  What if we said "not right now" and waited until we were actually physically hungry before we chomped into that most perfect dinner.

Maybe there are better choices for us than just restricting until we just can't take it anymore.

One more thing....

Sometimes one more thing is the thing that' s going to push you over the edge.  Sure...you want to be able to do that one more thing with the work ethic you usually apply to it -- but the umph just isn't there.

It's not that you no longer want the results .... of course you do.  You're just not feeling it.  One more thing is just one too many.

Solution?  Let it go -- not forever.  Just for right now.  Set a deadline to start again (commit to it and stick to it).  Just enough breathing space to dig yourself out of what ever immediate hole you're in.  And then start again.

Sometimes, that's the best way to move yourself into better health.

Big, Bold Moves!

Hi, all!  Here is an email I received the other day -- I thought y'all might enjoy reading what Matt from Fear.less (a fantastic ezine, has to say about Big, Bold Moves!  Enjoy!

 

.....It's easy to get impatient on your quest to be fearless. You read the books and 

the magazines, you feel pumped up and ready for action, and then you wake up 

the next morning and things are pretty much the same. When you're impatient 

and want to shake things up, you begin to think about doing something Big. Big 

things are deliberate, autonomy-assuring actions that change your daily life: 

quitting your job, moving to another country, going back to university, that sort of 

thing. Maybe you have friends who are doing something big, or you saw a movie 

or read a Fear.less story where someone did something you think is big and it 

worked out for them.

Humans like big, bold moves because they are flashy and they can be indefinitely 

postponed. Sometimes they are even useful. But flash can be illusive. Everyone 

knows an attractive person who is unkind to others, or a person who flaunts their 

material wealth but is actually in debt from poor money management. This is a 

similar thing. It's an alluring but incomplete narrative.

Our contributors always talk about baby steps, little things, small victories. These 

phrases are not as sexy as the idea of a strong, independent man or woman telling 

his or her stuffy corporate boss to shove it and then starting a new life. But they 

are important. They're not called baby steps just because babies take them, but 

because babies need them to learn to walk. You have to gradually build up to a 

wholesome, satisfying level of courage and mindfulness. If you could do it 

overnight, everyone would.

I would never discourage anyone outright from making a massive life-changing 

decision. That would be tyrannical. But you have to develop a knowledge of the truth 

that rises above the romance of the situation and be able to say that yes, this gives 

me what I need for these reasons, and I will be able to handle it because I've been 

working on myself in these ways. The problems and resistance at the core of your 

being will follow you to any job and any city. No matter how much money or how 

many friends you end up making, you will have to live with yourself your whole life. 

And you know better than anyone that you can be pretty brutal to yourself.

Sometimes big brash impulsive decisions are survivable. Then again, you probably 

know someone who totally has an uncle that, like, didn't wear his seatbelt and got 

into a real bad car accident, and walked away. 

"Following your dreams" and "doing what you need to do" are super cool, but you 

also need to respect yourself enough to 1) scrutinize the narratives you're fed, no 

matter the source and 2) make an honest attempt to know, accept and live with 

yourself. You deserve no less than the best, right? Life is tricky because being both 

short and fragile, you have to push it to the limit while also handling with care. 

It is possible, though. Our contributors all manage it; it's so counter-intuitive, it's kind 

of poetic. Are you up for the challenge of blending drastic with diligent, style with 

substance, symphony with silence?

Matt

Bumper sticker

Saw a bumper sticker today that read:

"Don't believe everything you think"

Pretty powerful if you give it some thought.  It seems like often we just assume that every thought that pops into our heads is actually true.

"Those people are talking about me."

"I look fat in this."

"I'll never lose this weight."

etc.  etc.  etc.......

Just because you think it doesn't mean it's true.  Your own thought might be holding you back!

Pressure

The below is a post I copied and pasted straight from Seth Godin's website.  Since I am pretty sure I have yet to convince you all that he is a genius so that you, too are reading his posts everyday, I wanted to share this one with you.

 "I'm under a lot of pressure..."

The ellipsis hides the most important part of this sentence:

"I'm under a lot of pressure from myself."

When you have a big presentation or a large speech or a spreadsheet due, the pressure you feel is self-induced. How do I know? Because stuff that felt high-pressure a few years ago is old hat to you now.

Because it used to be hard for you to speak to ten people, and now it takes a hundred or a thousand for you to feel those butterflies. Because not only do you get used to it, you thrive on it.

Unless you're in a James Bond movie, it's really unlikely that the pressure that you're feeling is anything but self-induced.

What you do with the pressure is up to you. If it's not helping you do great work, don't embrace it. Pressure ignored ceases to be pressure.

So what do you think of that last paragraph?  Genius, I tell ya!  Make it work for you or let it go -- applicable to so many things in life!

Aversion to Change

The thing to keep in mind, when you are contemplating a bahavior change, is that your behaviors are part of what makes you you.  To change any one of them will change who you are.

It might be a small change -- like choosing a smaller latte in the mornings.

Or a bigger change -- like my decision that I might enjoy wearing fun colored/patterned socks instead of just plain white ones. :)

If you're not willing to change who you are, you aren't going to be successful changing what you do.

Understanding -- the big disconnect

I sometimes wonder if we put too much pressure on ourselves about the way we look.  Does it really matter?

I believe our health matters a great deal.  But, from a health perspective, it isn't about how you look (at all) -- it is about what you can do.  Can you walk up a flight of steps efficiently (fitness)?  Can you process the sugars you eat (healthy blood sugar regulation)?  Are you strong enough to enjoy your life (back injury waiting to happen)?  Are you active enough to manage your stress successfully?  Do you have emotional and physical reserves to deal with the unexpected surprises that pop up in life?

None of these measures can be taken from how we look.  There are very unhealthy, unfit thin people.  There are very healthy, active, successful people with a high BMI.

I keep encouraging you to make changes and cultivate action in your life.  But action to do what?

Here's the thing -- I don't know what action you should be taking.  If you're reading this blog, I assume you are thinking (or at least assuming -- important difference) that you need to manage your weight.  While, for most of us, that is true (food being so readily available and all...), what your body should look like/how much weight you should lose or gain, is open for debate.  Only you know what feels right to you.

Clients often find that the weight they were shooting for is not where they actually end up feeling is right for them.  The weight they feel good about is usually higher than their initial goal upon our first meeting.  Often, they find what they are lacking in their life is a sense that they can be in charge of their weight -- most of the time the root issue isn't what pant size they fit into.  Once they see they can eat less without feeling like they are depriving themselves, they settle in to developing an understanding and an appreciating of their body.  --which is what they have been missing all along.

So, please understand, when I call you to act, it isn't really about not eating or even losing weight.  It's about paying attention to your life, living in your body and understanding what that really means, and choosing to treat yourself well today, no matter what your size and shape.

A Great Story

So, I read this the other day:

Any great story contains the following elements:
• A person (or group of people)
• That want something.
• And are willing to overcome conflict.
• To get it.

I love good stories.  I love listening to good stories and telling good stories.  That's entertainment.

Living a good story though -- that's something else all together.

Think about what this list entails:  You have to want something (that isn't really the hard part -- most of us have lots of things we want).  But THEN.....you have to be willing to overcome conflict to get it.

That's the part where you work hard, sweat, fail, try again, lose heart but keep moving forward anyway, don't give up, live through some dark nights -- and if you can do all of that long enough, you live you great story.

But, you may ask, how long is long enough?  And all I can answer is: Until you get to the happy part.  It might not always look like you envisioned it -- but if you're happy, who cares?

What's been on your mind this last month?

I just watched a quick video by Coach Dungy.  I liked the whole clip for it's message but what really jumped out at me is that he answered the question: What's been on your mind for the last month?

If someone asked you that, could you give them an answer?

...Quick...I am asking you -- What's been on your mind this last month?  What pops into your head?

Those answers represent your priorities for the last month.  Do you like what those priorities are?  Are they the ones you meant to have?  Or were they piled on you by the needs of others so your desired priorities were crowded out?

This month, in preparation for a seminar on Becoming a Life-Long Exerciser, I have been reading a book entitled 168 Hours - You have more time than you Think.  Because of this book, one of the things that has been on my mind is: how do I spend my time? 

This is important for a number of reasons:
1. How I actually spend my time is representative of my real priorities -- not the ones I wish I had.
2. I am getting ready to take on some new responsibilities in my professional life and (because time is finite) something else is going to have to give.

Ok, you're probably pretty similar to me -- this month you've probably thought about your health, family, friends, work related things --both good and bad, what to cook for dinner, etc.  But the real question is:

Do you have a focus?  If you're reading this blog daily, are you focusing on mindful behaviors for the rest of the day?  Do you commit to spending one week every month journalling your hunger and fullness levels?  Are you setting aside one lunch hour to eat by yourself with no distractions (fellow diners, email, a good book) so that you can really cultivate the habit of tasting what you are eating?

If you're not doing something deliberately, you are not going to get the results you're hoping for.  Hope doesn't create results -- Doing does.  Focus does.

What's are you going to focus on for the next month???

You Know What to Do

The below is an except from Chris Brogan's post the other day.  Please don't be offended the "fat" sentence.  I struggled with whether to include it (I don't talk that way so to me it kind of seems like swearing).  But in the end, decided that the over all message was one that I wanted to share.

More often than not, you know what to do. Before you even open that ‘how to’ book, or look for yet another blog on the topic, you know what you need. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for, most of the time.

You Know What to Do

You’re fat. You know what to do. There’s not really a new book that will change it. It’s you who will change it.

You’re unemployed. That’s temporary, even if temporary is stretching into 14 months. You know what you need, even if that means education, a move, a change of circumstances. But I promise you that you know.

You’re broke. Money exchanges hands every day. More money than we’ll ever earn in a lifetime flows all around you. You can find ways to have some of it. You know some of those ways. Very few books or speeches will amaze you and set you on a path to claim them all.

Then Why Do We Read and Overstudy?

Because we’re afraid, because we’re procrastinating, because we feel many emotions that “seem” like uncertainty, but are more often good old fashioned lack of self-esteem. Because we’ve tried and failed one too many times and we’re upset with ourselves for this. Because we listen to our Inner Critic and we believe that He or She is right (is yours a male or female?).

So...it's one thing to read this blog and use it as a daily reminder of what you want to accomplish.  It's a great thing if some of what I post gets you reassessing ideas about yourself or your world that you have always assumed were gospel truths. 

It's quite another thing if you are reading this blog (or diet books or watching the Biggest Loser, or going to your Weight Watchers meetings) in an effort to amass enough knowledge so that you can start losing weight.  That's not learning....that's procrastinating! 

Only the doing will get you where you want to be.  You know what you need to do -- do it today!

Do Something Friday

                                       
The theme for yesterday was simple technology can make life better.  Today, this article inspired me to get you thinking about things from a new perspective.

The post I read talked about a guitarist who dropped is iPhone into his acoustic guitar to take pictures while he played.  Nothing really Earth-shattering about somebody taking pictures of guitar strings in motion-- but I'm not sure I've ever seen pictures of a guitar from the inside out.  --A new view and new way of looking at things.

Plus, I have an iPhone (and a guitar) and thus have the capability of doing what this guy did -- but it never would have occurred to me to put my phone inside a guitar to take pictures.  The interesting thing is, the world is full of people who interpret their environment differently than I do.

So that is my task for you this weekend.  Stop.  Take a look around your very familiar eating environments (both external: your physical environment and the internal environment: you brain space) and see what new perspectives you can find.  Take a look at the tools you have for creating mindfulness -- perhaps there is another way they can be employed to work more effectively for you.  The more creative you can be, the greater the chances your weight management will be personal and meaningful for you -- and that is a recipe for lifelong success!!

Momentum not Speed

Photo credit to psychotic zingers

My hope for you is that you're in this for the long haul.  That means no quick fixes.  No "drop a dress size in 8 minutes".  No "I shoulda starting dieting for this wedding 3 weeks ago....now what am I going to do...???"

You're looking to string your successes together and create some steam.  Not "perfection" everyday for 3 weeks and then not again until your pants don't fit  --  that's exhausting!

Pay attention to how you're feeling.   Work on strategies for yourself.  Keep what works for you and chalk the other stuff up to your learning curve. 

You're looking for positive momentum.  That is what will keep your weight management efforts successful for a lifetime.

Craving Comfort

Just as negative addictions sneak up on us a day at a time, so do positive cravings.  --Sarah Ban Breathnach

I know a client will be successful with their mindful-eating-as-weight-management technique as soon as they tell me they crave the feeling of getting up from the table feeling light and ready to move on to the next activity.

Cravings are powerful motivators.  Cravings are what take you out of your warm bed in the middle of a winter night for the left overs in the fridge.  Cravings are what cause you to drive across town, when you don't really have time, for the perfect cup of coffee.

Cravings can be cultivated.  You can mindfully look for those positive feelings when you eat less than you normally do.  How does your body feel?  Are you sleepy or refreshed?  Do you feel like your waistband is too tight or does it just feel normal?

Understanding that you can create immediate pleasurable feedback (feelings of success or physical well being as you finish your last bite of food), can make it much easier to stop eating sooner and choose to say "not today" when asked about dessert.

Sure...fitting into a size ____ will be great.  But if you've got a while before you get there, you need something more immediate to help you get through.  Giving in to the positive cravings will be just the thing!

Thought for the Day....

The secret of happiness is freedom.  The secret of freedom is courage.  --Thucydides, ancient Greek historian and author

Freedom isn't about having everything you want (although, as indicated by our country's economy, this might be the pervading but erroneous popular definition).  Freedom is about being able to make choices. 

You can let others dictate what you should eat.  It definitely requires less brain power if you do that -- but will it make you happy long-term? (Obviously not or you would still be on that diet!)

And if the secret of freedom is courage, then wouldn't you want to be brave, enter the unexplored territory of trusting your own body to tell you how much food is enough?  Because isn't your real goal to be happier?  Happier with your weight?  Happier at work?  Happier when you participate in activities with your family and friends?

Are you doing the work required to live with freedom?

Happy 4th of July!!!

July 4th -- the day Congress signed the Declaration of Independence.  That is the tradition behind our day off today.  But is that what we're celebrating?  Sure...Old Navy has 2011 Flag t-shirts .... and Target has some great red, white, and blue streamers ... but much like the hot dogs and hamburgers we will eat today, they have very little to do with the actually holiday.

I watch clients do the same with food.  They get so caught up in the fact that "they love food" that they can't seem to make the mental leap that they could eat less -- especially eating less of the foods they don't love.  Even the Food Network Judges are presented with foods they don't enjoy -- and they have professionals cooking for them everyday!

Clients seems to get lost in the idea that without heaping amounts of food, they cannot possibly be content.  But I will counter with the idea that your Fourth of July celebration will not be lessened if you don't have the Old Navy flag shirt, the streamers from Target, a hot dog, and a hamburger.

I bet if you had one thing on that list and got to go to the fireworks, you would still be able to enjoy your Independence Day celebration.  And in the same vein, if you were at a weight you were comfortable with and you ate 1/2 the amount you do now, you would still enjoy life -- and maybe enjoy it more because you could focus on what really matters and not be distracted by your weight.